They Say There is More to Love Than a Meal

Beware the BEERSLAM


Like 6 people are super excited about this one!

FUN BEER FACT #35- In 1740, the Admiral Veron of the British fleet decided to water down the navy’s rum, which naturally, the sailors weren’t pleased with. They nicknamed the Admiral Old Grog, after the still stiff grogram coats he used to wear. The term grog soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you are drunk on this grog, you are “groggy.” WOW!


We all know what I’m doing you fuckers. MIYAZAKI PART 3 OF FOOOOOOOOOOOOUR!

I do apologize for this being so late! Sometimes life just gets in the way you know? I was going to do it super early in the week, but then I had to go see Smackdown Live. Let me tell you dawgs. It was totes worth it.

So this was a paring that I wasn’t sure would be very good. I had a vague idea about what the movie was about, so I chose something that kind of fit what my vague idea of the movie. It turns out that I’m a genius because that shit pared 100% perfectly. LOOK. AT. ME. NOW!

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story…


Zero Gravity Brewing- Little Wolf

  • 4.7% ABV
  • American Pale Ale
  • Brewed in Vermont!

Beer that comes in six packs usually makes me nervous. It’s usually like some shitty lager bullshit you know? Even though I can tell by looking at the can that it’s made by a craft brewery. It still doesn’t change my perception. Nice beers come in bottles or tall cans DAMMIT! Get it together guys! Beeradvocate didn’t have a ton of reviews for this beer, so I can’t consult those nerds for some thoughts about the beer. So I had to go to the nerds at Untappd to get this scintillating review!

“That’s a nice bitter beer”

WOW! What good words! Let’s see another one!

“Not bad”

So Untappd doesn’t really do long verbose reviews, so what are you gonna do? Let me make up what I think a typical review for this beer would be!

“MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED! God himself poured this beer directly from his teat! After every sip I prayed to the alter of hops and malts that danced seductively over my tongue. After 3 glasses I could no longer handle the orgasmic, and intense experience, so I started rubbing it all over my body! The aromas of pine cones, pine trees, and pine needles brought me back in time. To a time before man walked the Earth, and the Old Ones ruled. I looked into the soul of that eldritch horror, and started clawing my own eyes out. Man was not meant to know such things. 4 stars out of 5”

Man oh man! What a good! That is certainly a good representation of what one of those reviews would be. If you don’t agree with that then I have two words for you-



Hey do guys want to take a look at this beer? No? Are you sure you don’t? TO BAD! Let’s take a look at this beer you MONSTERS!

LW glass

This bring has a beautiful amber color. I’m assuming highly that I’ll find an ancient mosquito in this shit, and I’ll be able to extract some dinosaur DNA from it. That’s the kind of amber color I’m talking about SON! Amber might be the best color for beer to be you understand. It just always looks so nice, and it doesn’t look like urine. I guess if you were super dehydrated it might look like that, but you fuckers know what I’m saying. Little Wolf is also a very carbonated beer. Carbonated in a way that reminds me more of a lager than an ale. Unlike a Budweiser, or some other swill, the carbonation doesn’t stick around longer than it should. The head wasn’t strong enough to float a bottle cap on, so I still haven’t taken that photo I was referring to. Please deal with it. The beer smells like beer, but I also detect some notes that I can’t recognize. Probably some sort of pine nut or something? My sniffer isn’t the most refined, so I have a tough time identifying smells like that. Maybe the taste will be able to illuminate some of these mysteries!

It did not illuminate any such mysteries I’ll tell you what. The thing that I tasted front and center was a strong malt back bone. It feels rather thick in the mouth when you take a sip, but shortly after all the maltiness dissipates I got a nice little hop kick in the back. Despite what the tricksy aromas were trying to pull on me I don’t think this beer tasted like pine cones. I would actually have a hard time placing what this beer tasted like. I think the closest way to describing it would be nuts of some sort. I guess? It’s a hard flavor profile to nail down for sure. My major complaint about the beer is how thirsty I felt after drinking it. A beer with a low alcohol content like this one should be refreshing. PBR isn’t a great tasting beer, but if it’s super hot out it will hit the spot I’ll tell you what! This beer made me feel very thirsty! I had to drink so much water the entire time I was drinking it, and that shit cut into my goddamn buzz! I was able to drink 5 of them before I gave up in disgust. If you’re looking for a beer to get schwasted with this is not it, but if you’re looking for a kind of nice beer to have with dinner give this a shot!\

Now to reveal my accidentally GREAT paring! I honestly had no idea how well this beer pared with this movie! BOW BEFORE MY GENIUS!


Princess Mononoke (1997)

This move. I’m not entirely sure where to start. Of all the Miyazake films I’ve watched so far this one left me feeling the most sad at the end of it. It’s hard to say why, because in theory the movie has a happy ending, but by the end everything has changed- possibly for the worse! A lot of the movie has to do with like the magic, and mysticism of the world ending. That shit always breaks my heart. Another thing is that no one character would really be considered the antagonist. Every single character that could be considered the antagonist has a VERY clear reason for their actions. Maybe this is another Miyazaki movie that really tries to show the true cost of war and shit, and it did in a way that really kind of put me in a funk. THIS MOVIE ISN’T FOR KIDS! Like people were getting their heads chopped off and shit! I would never show this shit to a kid!

One of the reviews on the front of the DVD case called this the Star Wars of animated movies, and I think that is a very apropos description. You can certainly see the skeleton of the heroes journey permeating through the whole movie. I also caught a few other major comparisons. The most prominent being “Dances With Wolves” slash/ “Avatar.” I’m sure others exist, but again, trying to identify them when I’m buzzed is hard as shit.

I’m trying really hard to talk about this movie coherently, but I’m failing ATM. It really does feel like I’m shitting on this movie a lot, and that certainly isn’t fair. I think I should have watched this one first. It’s just so much darker than the other ones! Even though I had a legit good time watching the movie I just didn’t feel as magical at the end of it! I’m just going to end this before I dig my grave even deeper.

I would have a hard time recommending Little Wolf to people. It’s not bad- I just think that a lot of beers are a lot more delicious and what not. Honestly I would give this beer like a 7. Princess Mononoke though is legit a good movie. Just keep in mind that it is VEEEEEEERRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY different than any other Miyazaki movie. I would give it like 8.78 wolves out of 10 wolves.

This BEERSLAM is awful. I’m just goin to end it. Stay tiuned for the finale of my Miyazaki adventure! Until next time…..

Bead Dy Bawn!


Nobody Shouts or Talks to Loud

You call that a BEERSLAM? THIS is a BEERSLAM!


That’s not a BEERSLAM that’s a spoon!

FUN BEER FACT #33- The early Church declared that alcohol was an inherently good gift of God to be used and enjoyed. While individuals might choose not to drink, to despise alcohol was heresy. WOW!

Welcome to part 2 of 4 of my Miyazaki adventure! Let’s all say hello again to out auteur for this adventure- Hayao Miyazaki!


So we already have an idea of what sort of movie I’m going to watch this week (Miyazaki only has a finite number of films) but the trick is finding a beer to pare with the film I chose. Pretty easy right? Well your hubris will be your downfall as well you fuckers! I had a heck of a time finding a solid fit for the movie I chose. I checked like three beer stores. I wandered aimlessly around the aisles. I sang “Total Eclipse of the Heart” a lot. None of that worked. Maybe my heart wasn’t in it because I only wanted to play Persona 5, and I wouldn’t let myself until I wrote this goddamn thing. So let’s get rocking!

I knew the movie I wanted to watch had some spooky elements to it (maybe.) I knew it had some magical elements to it (maybe.) I knew it had some witches or some shit in it (maybe.) So armed with all that knowledge I made my selection!

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story…


New Belgium Brewing- Voodoo Ranger IPA

  • 7% ABV
  • American IPA
  • Brewed in Colorado!

I promise that I’m not just choosing IPAs because I love them so much. It’s just that every single time I find a cool beer it’s an IPA. Probably because they’re that damn good. Look I don’t need to justify anything to YOU! I’d like to see any one pf you dorks try and find a beer that pares well with the movie I chose. THAT’S RIGHT YOU CAN’T! Plus that skeleton on the box is soooooooooo cool! I can’t even with that guy! Just look at him- I bet the ladies love him. Anywho let’s see what a nerd on Beeradvocate has to say about this beer.

“This is plum tasty. It reminded my of the time I got lost in the jungle in Hawaii, and a nest of bees chased me and I had to climb a mango tree and sit there for like what seemed like half the rotation of the moon around the earth. Right, you may ask why I climbed a tree instead of jumping into a pond, as is commonly done in cartoons. Well, I was desperate. Anyhow, in the tree there were a lot of over ripe mangos, and I rubbed them all over me, forming a mango dermis over my epidermis as it were. The bees were repelled, and later, in the hotel bar, I downed a IPA of some sort, and the IPA, and the mango, and the stinky pits of my sweaty Hawaiian shirt, and the floral lei the lady in the hotel lobby gave me. Well, it all came together it a sort of cacophonous, melodious double armadillo sort of way. And this is what this Voodoo Ranger IPA reminds me of. I give it a thumbs up. One of those bees stung me in the balls, by the way, and my nooksack never recovered to this day. That sting was like a needle, like a VOODOO needle. Hey, by the whey, what is so VOODOO about this VOODOO Ranger IPA.”

This guy knows what’s up. The entire time I was drinking this beer it reminded me of being chased by a swarm of bees, and rubbing mangos all over my body. DUH! Let’s just take a look at this beer already.

VR glass

Boy oh boy. It’s been a while since I’ve had a beer that looks like straight up actual piss. The color surprises me quite a bit actually. IPAs are usually a copper slash/amber color. Not this golden color that I associate with shitty laugers. I read some reviews online that tried to pass this off as an amber color, but they are straight up wrong! That color is gold. The only aroma I get from this beer is beer, so that’s not very helpful I guess. The beer is also not nearly as carbonated as a lot of other beers. For me that makes it a lot easier to drink, and I like that. You don’t have to stop and burp as much, and it doesn’t make you feel as full by the end. The beer also doesn’t have much of a head. That one I don’t really know how to feel about….. Sometimes a little head is kind of nice (really resisting putting Steve Carrel in there again.) You can do that fun trick where you get a bottle cap to float on the foam and shit. That’s pretty fun.

I couldn’t find a good picture of what I meant. I’ll take one some other time. Until then LET IT GO!


This beer tastes pretty good BTW. It’s not the best beer I’ve ever had. Let’s get that out of the way right away. But it does taste solid. The first few swigs really do beat the old taste buds over the head with how hoppy the beer is, but once you get acclimated to the taste it’s actually pretty nice. The beer does taste mildly of citrus fruits or something along those lines. Not really a grapefruit tatse. It’s not that bitter. Maybe like a tangerine or some damn thing. I think that’s probably the closest in flavor. That’s way more effort then is needed for a flavor that is actually super mild. Also it doesn’t taste at all like mangos, or rubbing mangos all over my body. I don’t know where that mess came from. Voodoo Ranger isn’t as refreshing as many other IPAs are. I felt a lot thirstier after drinking a bunch of them. That’s not to say that this beer is terrible. I would choose Voodoo Ranger over many, many, MANY other beers, but I would probably choose a different IPA instead of this one. When all is said and done I was able to drink the entire six pack without feeling like I was drowning in strawberry jam or something, so I’m going to call this a victory.

I don’t need to build suspense- you already know what sort of movie I’m watching. HERE IT IS FUCKERS!


Howl’s Moving Castle (2004)

This movie kind of feels like I’m cheating. Miyazaki based this movie on an English novel. Yet, at the same time, I feel like it’s okay if only because no westerner would be able to make a story like this.

This movie fascinated me because the traditional protagonist slash/antagonist plot for children’s movies kind of fell to the wayside. For sure some traditional antagonists exist during the plot of the movie, but they didn’t really feel threatening. The main antagonist for the most part was the cost of war. Nearly every time something bad happened it was a direct result of some horrific act of war. I think the history of Japan as both an aggressor in war, and a country that was completely devastated and defeated in the same war, makes them better able to understand how truly horrible war can be for people. I’m also trying to interpret this shit when I’m buzzed, so I’m probably way off.

Watching Miyazaki movies really is a magical experience. They make me feel like I’m a kid again, watching Disney movies for the first time. Where Miyazaki is superior is that I still feel that magic as an almost 30 year old. Disney movies don’t make me feel that magic anymore. It also doesn’t hurt that I completely fell in love with this world. I love the idea that every act of magic has a huge cost, and the magic of the world has clearly defined rules. Even though the magic system isn’t plainly explained I can still wrap my mind around it and understand why everything works. Which leads me to another wonderful thing about this movie. It doesn’t beat you over the head with a ton of exposition. The story, and world, made perfect sense to me without having to lay everything out in front of me. I think a lot of movies that American make can take a cue from that.

Also it features a wizard that’s slowly turning into a bird. What’s not to love about that?

This was a good BEERSLAM! I liked the beer, and I liked the movie. Well done New Belgium, Miyazaki, and me. Gold stars for all of us! That’s also the rating for the beer slash/movie. A gold star, Don’t understand how that translates to my normal rating system. Tough. SHIT.

That’s it. I’m going to play Persona 5 now.


dead by dawn bye



You should tell a friend to tell a friend to tell a friend

Who you gonna call? BEERSLAM!


FUN BEER FACT #33- It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. WOW!

So I’ve cooked (or brewed in the parlance of beer) up something a little special for you BEERSLAMMERS. I’ve decided to choose a filmmaker widely considered to be an auteur, and take an extra special look at some of their movies.

What is an auteur you may be asking! Well an auteur is “a filmmaker whose personal influence and artistic control over a movie are so great that the filmmaker is regarded as the author of the movie.” Auteurs are known for having very distinct styles, and for putting all of themselves into every single one of their films. The most well known example of an auteur is far and away Stanley Kubrick. However I’ve already seen most of his movies!

But I have managed to find an auteur whose entire filmography is basically unknown to me. I’ve heard the names of his films, but I haven’t seen a single one of them! So for the next 4 BEERSLAMS I’m going to watch some of those movies.

WHO IS THIS MASKED MAN? I hear you asking!

You’ll just have to wait and seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! First and foremost I need to talk about some FUCKING beer! Okay FUCKERS?

mic drop


Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story…


Founders Brewing- Azacca

  • 7% ABV
  • American IPA
  • Brewed for us!

Founders Brewery is another famous face on the Mount Rushmore of American brewers. They’re well known for making good beers, and I’ve always enjoyed the beers I have tried from this brewery. This beer was actually bought for me! My dear friends Rohan and Lianne went on vacation and I cat sat for them, and they left me this beer.


Behold them in all their glory!

Now apparently Azacca is named for the Haitian god of agriculture. According to Wikipedia he is”Depicted as a country bumpkin that loves to eat, he is kind and gentle and he has no alternate sinister (petro) form. Azaka is identified with Saint Isadore. He is celebrated and affiliated with Labor Day in Haiti “It was kind of kismet that this beer crossed my path at the time it did. I had a vague idea of doing this auteur BULLSHIT, and this beer pares reasonably well with the movie I wanted to watch. I say reasonably well, but in a more real sense it’s like the most incidental paring of all GODDAMN TIME!

Let’s hear what some nerd on Beeradvocate has to say about this beer!

“I tend to worship at the altar of the CAN, but I will Pop! the top on this bottle & see if it inspires me to supplication. I felt beckoned to really give it an aggro pour so as to release all of the spirits, I mean, esters & in doing so, I also got a pseudo-cascade going. I watched in rapt fascination as it formed a three finger cap of head that resembled to top of a French Vanilla ice cream cone. My prayers for loads of sticky lacing were answered since I need something to do between now & kick-off & jackhammering lacing out of a glass always seems to fill the bill. Color was Deep Amber/Light Copper to Copper which I took as a subtle message from the god Azacca that he does not want gold as a part of my worship, but instead, copper. I will get busy on ripping out all of the copper in my house when I finish this review. I definitely got the caramel backbone on the nose, but I was finding the fruitiness difficult to parse & so I prayed for a message. No avail. Mouthfeel was medium, but slick & oily, as though Azacca wanted to enter my body as quickly as possible. The taste was more earthy and spicy than sweet, like freshly-picked peppers to go along with the grapefruit, pine and mango flavors that were also prevalent. Clearly, Azacca’s influence over agriculture takes many forms and encompasses a wide range. Finish was dry, earthy and fruity, much as advertised. I bade Azacca a fond farewell & invited him to return in the form of a CAN. We shall see.”

In all honesty I don’t know what the Hell I just read. Seems like a bunch of fruity FUCKING BULLSHIT to me!! Like I don’t even know where to start with that. Let’s just take a look at this GD beer……


I will give that crazy ass reviewer one thing, this beer does have a beautiful copper color. Like one of the nicest looking copper colors that I’ve ever seen on a beer! It’s a little carbonated, but not in a way that fills you up to quickly and make you burp all the damn night. It has a pretty nice head to it too!


The aromas coming off this beer. I don’t know? It smells like fucking beer I guess. I spilled this shit into my beard at least three times, and the only thing I could smell every time was beer. IPAs always smell like some sort of citrus fruit, but I think that’s just the nature of the beast. I’m not smelling pineapples and cherries and all that other fruity bullshit.

I also don’t taste a bunch of fruity bullshit when I drink the beer. It just tastes like a really solid IPA to me. It’s very refreshing, and verrrrrrrry delicious! It does a good job of balancing it’s citrusy hops with a nice malty backbone. Not the horrible syrup like texture that malty beers usually have, but kind of like a bass player. You won’t really notice it unless you’re looking for it. I do detect some notes of some sort of citrus fruit. It’s not strong, and it doesn’t bash the old taste buds over the head with it’s fruity bullshit. But I can taste it goddamit. It’s just there looking me in the eyes with it’s cold black eyes….. like a dolls eyes. Man oh man that alcohol content is also a kick in the ass. I drank about 6 of them, and let me tell you…… I was capitol W- WASTED. If it wasn’t for the eldritch screams of animals outside my window I would have slept well! Just don’t get this beer and expect to drink a ton of them without dying. I could probably write more about the beer, but I’ll just be beating around the bush. This is a really good beer! By far it’s the best spring seasonal beer I’ve ever tasted. Don’t take my word for it though! Go try it for yourself!

Now I think it’s time to introduce y’all to the auteur I’ve chosen for this special 4 part series. Whenever people find out that I haven’t seen any of his movies they tend to chase me out of town with pitchforks and torches. All the while hurling rocks, and mean mad insults at me. So put away the pitchforks and insults peeps! I’ve finally taken the plunge! Ladies and gentleman meet Hayao Miyazaki


Miyazaki is a Japanes filmmaker known for making incredible animated films. For most of his films he designs the world, he writes the films, and he directs them as well! His hands are all over the production, and design of the films he makes. I would safely put him in the category of auteur, and if you don’t like it you can SUUUUUUUUUUUUCK IT!

Part 1 of 4 of my Miyazaki adventure startssssssssss NOW!

Spirited away

Spirited Away (2001)

I decided to start with perhaps the most well known of Miyazaki’s films. That statement is almost certainly debatable, but I’m going to stand by it. I’ve always heard wonderful things about this movie, but sometimes you just don’t get to things when you should! It happens. But after seeing it I honestly truly regret not watching it sooner. This movie is straight up beautiful. The colors and visuals are absolutely eye popping, and the story is just wonderful. It reminds me sooooooo much of a fairy tale, but told through the lens of Japanese culture instead of a European culture. What’s more amazing to me is that the movie is completely watchable without having any prior knowledge of Japanese culture.

One thing that always bugs me about Japanese media is that everything is always surface deep. Every thought that a person has is said out loud, and every emotion has to be done much bigger. For this movie, which is clearly a movie made for kids, it isn’t as unforgivable. Sometimes though it kind of sucks to be hit over the head with that kind of thing. I’m sure if I really looked into the history of Japanese performance and culture I would be able to find a suitable reason for that. But aint nobody got time for that, and instead I’m just going to go ahead and say it’s all dust in the wind!

One of the most amazing aspects of this movie is how little that I thought of it as an animated film. The world is constantly filled with motion and action, so much so that it often reminds me more of a live action film. Each character feels distinct and like a real living being. That even extends to some of the background characters who are literally just faceless shadows. The world feels real to me, and it’s filled with characters that feel like they exist in the real world. That makes me care about all of it, and because I care I connect with the film on a real deep, personal level. I don’t know of any higher praise that I can heap on a film.

I am going to call part one of my Miyazaki adventure a rousing success. I had a good beer, and watched a good movie. For Founder’s Azacca India Pale Ale I bestow a score of delicious out of 10. For Hayao Miyazaki’s “Spirited Away” I bestow a score of wonderful out of 10. THE HIGHEST OF PRAISES!

That’s gonna do it for this week slammers! Stay tuned for part 2 of my Miyazaki adventure SOON! Until next time…..



You Make Me Want to Roll My Windows Down

Bears. Beets. BEERSLAM



FUN BEER FACT #32- The first professional brewers were all women called brewsters. The women had to be very beautiful to be able to become brewsters. WOW!

Man oh man. Boy oh boy. It has been a MINUTE! Sometimes a man has to stop writing blog posts for a month or three. And you know what! I’m a REAL American, and if I want to take a sabbatical I’m gonna do it YOU FUCKERS!


Minus the racism of course……

Usually I try to make it up to you FREELOADERS when I take a sabbatical like this. But this time I DON’T WANT TO! I chose a movie I wanted to watch and found a beer that could in theory pare well with that movie, and I DID IT!




Now I’m going to reveal the beer that I drank for this addition of BEERSLAM, and that’s the end of that story!


Sierra Nevada Beer Camp 2017 Golden IPA

  • 6.5% ABV
  • American IPA
  • Spring seasonal
  • Made with experimental hops!

Sierra Nevada is one of those breweries that would almost certainly show up on the American brewery Mount Rushmore. So I’ve decided to take the plunge and try one (I might have tried one before. I honestly can’t remember.) Hey let’s take a look at what a nerd on Beeradvocate has to say about this particular brew “It smells of rather fruity pineapple, orange, and red grapefruit, grainy pale malt, a hard to discern edgy wheatiness, some prominent hard water flintiness, and somewhat laid-back earthy, leafy, and piney green hop bitters. The taste is bready and crackery pale malt, a lesser wheaten graininess, muddled domestic citrus rind, still heady canned pineapple notes, wet stone paths after the rain, and more tame leafy, weedy, and piney verdant hoppiness.”

Honestly I feel like a lot of those words were just things that someone read on a different beer review. Spoiler alert- I didn’t really experience the majority of those sensations when I tried this beer for the first, second, or sixth time. It’s almost as if I’m some sort of baboon that doesn’t really know what I’m talking about. Let’s take a look at this suckah shall we!


Please ignore the mason jar. I don’t have access to my normal cups!

This beer does not have the appearance of something that I would normally consider appealing. It kind of has the color of like a Budweiser or some other lager that I only buy when I’m trying to save money at the bars. It does have a nice murkiness to it that I like, and it’s very very very bubbly and carbonated. It’s kind of like champagne, but it doesn’t taste like literal death like champagne does. The aromas I’m getting from it remind me of some floral bullshit, or some tropical bullshit or something. The beer smells sweet, but not in like a Twisted Tea or Mike’s Hard Lemonade kind of bullshit. More like a spring seasonal beer or something like that.

I do wish that more breweries made spring seasonal beers. They are basically always delish, and they fill my heart with joy. And let me tell you my heart could use some growing three sizes that day.


So this beer tastes pretty darn good ifIdosaysomyself. It doesn’t really taste like a bunch of fruity bullshit. It’s got a nice bitter hop kick, that balances well with the fruity floral flavors of the beer. A lot of times beers that have some sweet taste to them also have a super unappealing syruppy maltiness to them as well, and that shit is just the most upsetting. This beer does not have that. If anything it tastes like a wonderful citrus fruit. This is the kind of beer that I could see myself drinking on a nice warm spring day. So basically like no day in spring 2017 so far. But like, it kind of goes well with the dreary dark days that spring 2017 has provided us with so far. So ultimately it pares well with spring in general. That’s a true goddamn statement if I’ve ever heard one. I’m standing by it!

The only reason that I chose this beer was because it was made in California, and the movie I chose has a lot to do with Los Angeles and shit. Look the connection is weak AT BEST! You can either DEAL, or you can….. also deal? Just deal with it okay?


Mulholland Drive (2001)

Here it is people! My second David Lynch movie. The first one was Eraserhead, and that movie was fucking weird as shit while I was sober! It might have been a mistake to pick one of his movies when I’ve been drinking…….

It was a mistake all right! My overactive need to be doing a lot of things at once (especially when I’m drinking) really inhibited my ability to comprehend what I was seeing. It’s also entirely possible that I wouldn’t have a single idea what was going on if I was sober. David Lynch basically makes movies that feel like you are literally dreaming. Things happen without any sort of rationale explanation, and people appear seemingly out of nowhere. Not only that the characters change without any sort of precedent! My drunk brain just couldn’t even begin to wrap my head around what was happening. Heck my sober brain might not have been able to do it! It’s such a fucking bizarre movie! I don’t want people to think that I hated the movie though. It was actually pretty fucking solid. It’s beautifully shot, and it contains a tender wonderful love story. Something I literally was never expecting the entire time. Don’t go into this movie expecting to get a super straight forward, point A to point B plot. This is more like a point A to point 7 plot. I’m not even sure what any of it even means! But if you’re interested in getting into the works of David Lynch I think this is probably the best starting point. I honestly don’t know what else to say without giving stuff away…..

So I’ll just end it! Both of these things- movie and beer, were not at all what I was expecting. Ultimately I think that’s a good thing though, and hopefully more of those type of things happen. I’ll give the beer 6.78 shocked faces out of 9.76 shocked faces. I’ll give Mulholland Drive 7.99 shocked faces out of 9 shocked faces.

That’s gonna do it for this week FUCKERS! Until next time!


You Say Black I Say White



This is still relevant right?

FUN BEER FACT #31- A long, long time ago English pub patrons would bake a whistle into their ceramic mugs. The patrons would blow the whistle when their mug was empty of beer. This is where the phrase “wet your whistle” comes from. WOW!

Here we are people- the second BEERSLAM of 2017! I never expected to get this far with this blog, and I certainly never expected to do 31 of these fuckers! Yet here we are BITCHES! I can never die! It will never rain again! HUBRIS!


That will never be me!

So here we are fuckers. I don’t really know where I was going with this shit, so let’s just move on shall we?

For this addition of BEERSLAM I’m starting something new. I’m going to rewatch a series that I haven’t watched in a while, and see how I feel about it now that I’m nearly 30 and also after having X number of beers. I’m not going to watch all the movies in a row. It’s just going to happen when I can’t think of any other movie to watch slash/pare with the beer. Here is the very first edition of that series SONNNNNN!

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story…


Owl’s Brew Radler- That’s My Jam

  • 3.8% ABV
  • Shandy/Radler
  • Brewed with Darjeeling tea, hibiscus, flower, fruit juices, and agave sugar
  • Made in New York, New York

I’m gonna be straight up honest right hurr. I did not notice how low the alcohol content was on this bad mamma-jamma when I bought it. If I had noticed I certainly would not have bought it. Alas I don’t have any way to go back and warn my past self that this beer is a lie. Honestly I maybe should have guessed that this would be bullshit just based on how much shit they put into this godforsaken beer. Goddamn hipsters jamming all their nonsense into beer. I guess I should have known. You know how they are in New York!

Another warning sign that I should have picked up on- This beer does not show up on Beer Advocate at all. So now I can’t even see what a bunch of nerds have to say about the beer I’m drinking! I could probably reverse engineer one, but honestly I don’t want to! Here’s a picture of a wombat to make up for sins.


I’m going to be honest right at the front, and tell everyone that my thoughts on this beer are very negative, and most of what I say will be VEEEEEEEEEEEERY negative. I just want you fuckers to know that I’m not mad at you. I’m just mad. Let’s take a look at the beer shall we 🙂


I am perfectly aware that this picture is bad THANK YOU! But this goddamn beer was so hard to photograph! I couldn’t take a good picture of it at all! It looks like iced tea, and it’s about as easy to see through as iced tea is too. It’s hard to see through is what I’m trying to say. The rusty colored brew is quite appealing to look at, and it does have quite a nice head. I soon learned that a major reason for the head is how goddamn carbonated this beer is. IT’S SO CARBONATED! Usually I like beers to be murky, and have the appearance of swamp water, but for whatever reason it just doesn’t work for me with this beer. Let’s just talk about the taste and get it over with.

It tastes gross.

Real gross.

Usually I’m not morally opposed to beers that taste fruity, or whatever, but this beer just doesn’t work for me. The taste is extremely reminiscent of strawberry jam (almost like they planned it or something!) So much so that I stopped drinking the beer, and started spreading it on slices of toast….. That’s an exaggeration, but it really does taste like strawberry jam. I would be hard pressed to point out any other flavors or sensations from this beer. The damn jam taste is way to overpowering! One would think the amount they crow on about the tea they put into this beer (I forgot to mention that a big part of this beer is that it’s beer & tea. My bad, but I don’t really want to go back and change it. DEAL WITH IT!) it would taste a little bit more like tea or some damn thing! Drinking this beer just kind of gave me a headache, and all around made me feel sick to my fucking stomach. After four of them I finally figured out that this beer was only 3.8% ABV, so I wasn’t getting buzzed at all to offset the headache I was getting. In frustration slash/anger I decided to just stop drinking it! That’s my right dammit! I’m a goddamn AMERICAN CITIZEN, and I can stop drinking beer whenever I WANT!!! AND THAT’S THE BOTTOM LINE!

Stone Cold

Do I really need to finish that thought?

I’m sad to admit that this edition of BEERSLAM has not been magical at all! Like the amount of magic in this edition of BEERSLAM is lingering near the negatives. Well let’s change that up a little bit! I bet you can’t guess what movie I watching!!!


Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001)

It doesn’t feel like 16 years since this movie came out I’ll tell you what. Maybe it’s because I’ve watched the movie as the fantastic series “Wizard People Dear Reader” (if you haven’t watched that, do yourself a favor and watch. It. Is. HILARIOUS! ) I believe I was a Freshman in high school when I first saw this in the theater, and let me tell you something- this movie did not age as well as the rest of them did. I didn’t hate it! Don’t get me wrong! It’s a perfectly fine movie, but I think this is honestly one of the weaker films in the franchise. A lot of that has to do with the actors. They all grew into their trade, but it this first film they do not seem natural at all! They just kind of wander around acting like dorks, and walking like robots! Unfortunately the movie couldn’t lean on some of the adult actors like they did in a lot of the later films in the franchise. The plot was also a little silly for my taste. I forgot how everything is super telegraphed, and so much of the dialogue is exposition. It makes for a movie that a lot of people complain about when the subject adaptions comes up. The magical world just doesn’t seem as awesome as it comes across in the books. I know why Harry prefers the magic world, because he was literally physically and mentally abused. But the magical world just seems like it’s full of shit that an 11 year old just wouldn’t want to deal with. He has the goddamn wizard Hitler slaughtering unicorns, and trying to kill him! And the one goddamn guy who knows anything keeps acting like a coy bastard! And you know what- quidditch really does slow the movie down! I remember being younger, and being sad that they cut the quidditch out of later movies, but I honestly think it’s the correct choice. It was far and away the most boring 15 minutes in the movie. I’m really trying to make my thoughts make sense here, but I feel like….. I don’t really want to. The movie is good not great, and it doesn’t surprise me that this is one of the worst reviewed of the series on Rotten Tomatoes. In fact- It IS the worst reviewed coming in at a solid 80% (a score that I agree with.) Again I don’t hate this movie, but compared to the tone and performances in some of the later films (to the best of my memory) it just isn’t as good. Still watchable, but not the best.

What was the beer that I tried again? Something about jam, or something? Someone out there will absolutely love this beer, but I am not that person, and guess what FUCKERS! I’m reviewing this beer! 4.6 owls out of 10 owls! I give Harry potter 8 owls out of 10 owls!

That’s gonna do it for this edition of BEERSLAM! Sorry it was so terrible.


In Every Life we Have Some Trouble



These intros have jumped the shark….

FUN BEER FACT #30- Homebrewing was illegal in Mississippi and Alabama until 2013. They were the last two states to legalize homebrewing in the union. WOW!

I know, I know, I KNOW! I know I said that I was going to do two more in the month of December. It didn’t happen OKAY! I also know that I promised that I was going to do something cool for January. That also didn’t happen- yet! That will still happen. Pinky swear! If that’s not good enough for you. Just let it go!


Turn away and slam the door!

Anyway for this edition of BEERSLAM I decided to let go of all the hate and anger that leads to the dark side. I’m just going to be happy, and filled with nothing but joy. GOT IT?!? DO YOU??! DOOOOOOOOOO YOOOOOOOUUUUUU?!?

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story…


Wormtown Brewery- Be Hoppy

  • 6.5% ABV
  • American IPA
  • Brewed in Massachusetts!

If it isn’t instantly obvious that I chose this beer 100% for the name then you aren’t paying attention. Plus it’s a hoppy IPA! How could I possibly resist. I’m going to be honest, and tell everyone that I bought this beer like a month ago. I then proceeded to not put it in the fridge, and let it sit in the outdoors. At a certain point during that time it got to roughly negative seventeen degrees. It’s entirely possible that it was frozen and unfrozen about 10 times over. It’s also entirely possible that I skunked the fuck out of this beer!

Oh boy Beer Advocate reviewers have some fucking thoughts about this beer BTW! The nerds seems to be evenly split between being a mediocre beer, or a really delish beer. One reviewer had this to say- ” Aromas of big grapefruit, tangerine, pineapple, peach, mango, lemon/orange peel, citrus rind, light pepper, pine, light honey, cracker, bread, herbal, and floral/grassy earthiness. Damn nice aromas with great balance and complexity of bright/dank citrus/tropical/pine hops and light-moderate pale malt notes; with great strength. Taste of big grapefruit, tangerine, pineapple, peach, mango, lemon/orange peel, citrus rind, light pepper, pine, light honey, cracker, bread, herbal, and floral/grassy earthiness. Good amount of pine/citrus rind/spicy bitterness on the finish; with lingering notes of grapefruit, tangerine, pineapple, peach, mango, lemon/orange rind, pepper, pine, cracker, bread, and herbal/floral/grassy earthiness on the finish for a while. Incredible complexity, robustness, and balance of bright/dank bright/dank citrus/tropical/pine hops and light-moderate pale malt flavors; with a great malt/bitterness balance and zero astringent hop flavors after the finish. Good amount of dryness from bitterness as well. Medium carbonation and body; with a very smooth, crisp, sticky/resinous, and lightly grainy/bready balanced mouthfeel that is awesome.” This guy just listed all the flavors, and smells, and applied them to this beer! That shit is outrageous! You know what I have to say to that!


Let’s just take a look at this beer shall we?


This beer does have a very nice light golden color to it. I guess you could just call that yellow, but I didn’t FUCKING want to jabroni! Deal with it! I don’t know if this is a result of me leaving the six pack in freezing cold temperatures for like a month, but this beer basically has no head. Like no joke by the time I took the picture the head was all but gone. The beer is a little carbonated, but not in a way that made me have to burp a lot and shit. One thing to note is that the beer is quite murky, which is something that I find appealing. Again that could just be the result of a user error on my part. I don’t know for a fact that freezing and unfreezing beer is bad for it, but like I honestly can’t imagine that it’s good for it you know? Like it just seems that the chemistry of the thing would be compromised at a certain point. I’m sure that I could find all of this information by Googling it…… but I just can’t bring myself to care that much……

So my first impression of the beer is the same as my first impression of all hoppy beers. Like a mouthful of hoppy bullshit. But after that first sip, and the tongue kind of adjusts itself to the bitterness of the beer you start to get some more flavors. This beer actually uses hops in a refreshing way. Like this beer actually does taste very citrussy…. I don’t think that’s a word, but it gets the point across so I’m standing by it. I don’t get like pineapples, and peaches, and mangos, and bananas, and whatever the Hell that guy on Beer Advocate thought this beer tasted like. I would say this beer tastes like grapefruit or tangerine or something subtle like that. It has a sweetness that I don’t find unappealing like most sweet beers. Like usually the sweetness of a beer overrides all the other flavors, but they did a really good job of balancing the bitterness of the hops, and it makes a very refreshing brew. This is the kind of beer that I would choose on like a 90 degree day. I was able to drink 5 of them, and I would have had more but I was very full. I would be interested in trying this beer when I didn’t leave it sitting in the freezing temperatures…..But I’m not gonna do that. If you don’t like that…..



No at the start of this hot mess I mentioned that I was going to be happy! And you know what makes me super happy? STOP MOTION ANIMATION SONNNNNNNNNN! That’s why I watched….


Kubo and the Two Strings (2016)

This is a movie that I cannot recommend enough. If only to see the crazy shit they were able to so with stop motion animation. This movie looks straight up beautiful. Easily one of the most appealing movies to look at I can remember being made in a long time. Beyond that though the story of this movie is straight up amazing. You want slash/expect certain things from an animated movie, and this hits all of those things. It made me laugh, it made me cry, and it made me believe that this was a fairy tale. all of my gripes about the movie are all small. Off the top of my head I can only think of two. 1) The twists were really easy to see coming. Like wayyyyyyy to easy to see coming. But this is a movie that was made for children, so I can’t really be to upset with them about that. 2) Some of the voice actors weren’t that great, but at no point did that really take away from my viewing of the movie. It’s smartly written, and again straight up beautiful to look at. I honestly feel like me trying to write about it is doing a disservice to it. JUST GO WATCH IT!!!

I know that I said that I was going to be happy when I first started writing this, but that simply was a lie. I just said that because the beer I was drinking had a pun name based on the phrase “be happy.” I’ll always be a surly bastard you jabronis. I give Be Hoppy 8.176 smiley faces out of 10 smiley faces. I give Kubo and the Two Strings 9.12 Smiley Faces out of 10 smiley faces.

That’s gonna do it for this edition of BEERSLAM! Until next time true believers!


He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake.

Your suffering will be legendary, even in BEERSLAM


We have such sights to show you…

FUN BEER FACT #29- A relatively small lunar impact crater on the Mare Imbrium, to the east of the crater Timocharis. The name of that small impact crater- Beer. WOW!

It’s the most wonderful time of year!

I meant to do a BEERSLAM last week. I promise I did! But life got in the way. I had weddings to attend, and honestly I just didn’t really feel like drinking any beer last week. If you don’t like it- FUCKING DEAL WITH IT!

So it’s December, and usually that means watching a bunch of Christmas movies. The problem being I’ve seen most of the really good Christmas movies, and all the Christmas beers taste like literal garbage. So for the purposes of BEERSLAM I’m not really excited about the holiday season. I also probably won’t be doing a ton of them this month because of it. I do promise that for the month of January I have something planned that I personally am excited about, so hopefully you guys like it too. Anywayyyyyyyyy- my master list of movies has exactly 3 Christmas movies on it, so for the month of December I guess I have 3 BEERSLAMS. This is the first one!

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story…


Southern Tier- Krampus

  • 9% ABV
  • Imperial Helles Lager
  • Brewed with 4 malts and 2 hops

For those reading this that don’t know (I’m assuming that everyone reading this will know, but w-evs) Krampus is Santa’s partner in crime. In some European countries the belief is that Santa will do more than leave coal for naughty children, he lets the Krampus take them. According to legend the Krampus would kidnap naughty children and stuff them in his sack, and punishes them. He is described as half goat, and half demon. HE’S SO FUCKING METAL!!



Anyway let’s talk about this beer that is supposed to harness the spirit of the Krampus! I do like that it’s a Christmas like beer that doesn’t lean on nutmeg and cinnamon and other shit like that! Maybe I’m alone in feeling like that. Let’s take a look at what some of the nerds at Beer Advocate have to say! They seem to like it. I can’t find a super zany review, and honestly I don’t feel like looking anymore! I have other things to do people! I can’t spend all my time reading beer reviews on Beer Advocate! Go look for yourself, and stop picking at my bones you free loaders!

Let’s take a look at the beer shall we 🙂


This beer does have a beautiful orangeish, amberish, copperish color to it. This I believe is the most appealing color for beer to be. You can be safe in assuming that beer with this coloring has a large probability of being delish. I also enjoy that the beer is a little cloudy. You can barely see the light coming through the beer. Again a beer that is this cloudy can be safely assumed to be delish as SHIT! It’s a little carbonated, and the head dissipates after a short amount of time. All of these are good signs, and always remember- in Greek tragedies hubris always comes before a fall!


I flew to close to the sun on my beautiful hot dog covered wings!

This beer tastes….. bizarre? I guess that’s the right word? It’s a weird taste, but I can say for sure the entire time I was thinking of an evil Christmas demon. Most times a Christmas type beer is always a malty nutmeg mess, and this shit deff starts with a whooooooole lot of malts! This beer first hits your mouth like a syrrupy malty mess, and usually something like that should be thick like molasses, but this is not! So that’s a plus! Soon after the malty front it has a really intense hop kick on the back end. The whole thing reminds me of drinking a Christmas tree, but that’s also mixed with some lemon juice in the worlds shittiest cocktail. I think they really nailed the premise of a Christmas devil as a beer. I did not think it was drinkable at all! At least not in a way that you can keep throwing back a bunch of them, and go on a binge. I was able to finish the pint I bought in pretty quick order, but I did it so slowly that I didn’t even feel buzzed! GASP!

Man oh man a beer called Krampus. Sure would be convenient if there was a movie with the exact same name.


Krampus (2015)

Krampus is a movie that I’ve been hearing good things about for basically a fell year, so I went into it with the highest of expectations. They….. were not met. I think this movie did a lot of things correctly, but in the end it just didn’t have the emotional resonance that I was looking for. Characters just started dying randomly, and I didn’t really know anything about them so I didn’t really care when they were gone! Honestly I had a hard time staying focused during this movie, and I think that’s a shame because the concept of a Christmas horror movie is one that I think has a lot of legs! I think this movie did a decent job of parodying a lot of Christmas movie tropes, but I think this movie needed something else. Basically a kid loses his faith in Christmas, and in doing so brings the Krampus down upon his family. One part of the movie involves the kids Christmas list wishing for things for his family, a normal Christmas movie trope, but they didn’t play with that enough. The filmmakers seemed way more interested in getting right into the horror elements of the story. I can understand why considering they did all practical effects (SO AWESOME) but a lot of the monsters just kind of showed up out of nowhere, killed a mofo and then went about their business. I also didn’t love a lot of the creature designs. I personally think they should have played more with the mythological aspects of the Krampus, and less with him being associated with Christmas. One of the bad guys is an evil gingerbread man, and I just can’t support something like that. The Krampus himself is friggen awesome, but he just didn’t show up as much as I would have liked. I also really loved the ending of the movie. I know it sounds like I really hated the movie, but that’s not the case. It’s fine- just not really what I was expecting.

So now I have to rate these things, and be clever about it huh? I DON’T FUCKING WANT TO! Krampus the beer gets 6/10 Krampus the movie gets 7/10!



We Are so Very Sorry, There is Little we Can do but Swat Them

BEERSLAM! I choose you!


FUN BEER FACT #28- The Wat Pa Maha Chedi Buddhist temple in Thailand is built entirely from Heineken (plus a local brew) bottles. Don’t believe me? Check this shit out WOW!

Usually I write this shit like a day or two after I have drunk the beer, and watched the movie. Right now though I am buzzed as all fuck! I just drank a bunch of beer, and watched a movie. I AM HAVING SOME FEELINGS! Maybe it’s a mistake to watch movies, and try to talk about them after X amount of beers. BUT I’M AN AMERICAN! I’ll do whatever the FUCK I want to! I just watched a movie with all sorts of symbolism and shit, and in my buzzed state of mind I can’t even comprehend that shit. Keep that in mind when I’m talking about the movie later! BTW the movie basically has nothing to do with the beer. I basically created the connection in my own mind. If you don’t like that- GTFO!

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story…


The Shed Brewery- India Pale Ale

  • 6% ABV
  • English India Pale Ale
  • Brewed in Stowe Vermont

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE beers made by The Shed. They are always of the highest quality in my mind. They are always of a higher ABV, and they are always delicious. I know it probably seems like I’m always picking IPA’s over other types of beer, but this is the only flavor of beer from Shed that I haven’t tried before. The people over at Beer Advocate seem to be in agreement with me! Look at me! I’m feeling pretty good! For once me and a bunch of nerds are in agreement! That feeling didn’t last long “The initial flavor is fruity – this focuses more on apricot and orange marmalade instead of grapefruit and pine. Bitterness builds up on the finish, as well as notes of caramel, bread, and tobacco. It tastes like an American pale ale yeast instead of an English one, as the aforementioned finish is a bit neutral. Personally, this is my biggest quibble: some nice British ale esters (like cherry) could have really sent this one over the top, and I’m said its absence only renders the rest flavor profile slightly above-average.” I don’t know what like 90% of those words even mean! And spoiler alert I didn’t notice a lot of those flavors when I tried the beer! Again I must remind people what the good folks over at Beer Advocate think of me


Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel! Sick reference right?

IPA’s are the shit, and the Shed is the shit, so this can’t possibly go wrong. I know usually I say that, and that inevitably means that it all went wrong, but SPOILER ALERT- for once it didn’t even go wrong for me! I’m jumping the gun a little bit. Before I talk about the taste and shit we need to take a look at this mother. Let’s look at this mother!


This beer does have a beautiful golden amber color, and it’s a little murky too. Usually murkiness is something that I don’t enjoy in beers, but if I know that the beer comes from a high quality brewery it can be a pretty good thing. It’s carbonated, but not a whole lot. Not a lot of foam at all in this mother. The head basically came and went by the time the crows came home…..or some other bullshit they say in the boonies. You would think that I would know about that shit on account of the fact that I live in the boonies, but I’m a little more sophisticated then that. I know that I was talking a lot of shit about some of the things those city slickers at Beer Advocate were saying about the aromas and shit, but in all honesty you do catch a little like citrus zest when you waft this shit into your nostrils. It smells like a solid IPA!

It tastes like a solid IPA too! I know this is shit that I say a lot when I have IPAs, but it’s deffo bitter, but not bitter in a way that makes it undrinkable. I wasn’t cringing every single time this beer touched my gullet. It used to hops to make a delicious, and refreshing beer. Usually when I drink a lot of beers for this shit I end up feeling a lot more thirsty by the end. This is the kind of beer that I could see myself drinking on a hot summers day! I also get a little bit of malts that I think really balances out the hops in a pleasant way. I even get a little bit of citrus in there! You know I could keep rambling, but I think you get the point. It’s delish! My one complaint is that high ABV. I could drink A LOT of these mothers, but after 5 of them I was basically wasted. Usually I write way more about the beers, but I don’t want to.


Now I’ve already mentioned that the connection between the beer, and movie was made up in my mind essentially  The brewery is called the Shed. Where does one find a shed. THE OLD WEST! So I watched one of the most well known westerns OF ALL TIME!


The Searchers (1956)

I won’t be surprised if many of the people reading this haven’t heard of this movie. I hadn’t heard of this movie until recently. Part of it may be that John Wayne isn’t nearly as respected as he was back in 1950’s America. Part of it may be that this movie’s mindset might not belong in 2016. Like really the only complaint I have about this movie is that it is really racist. Like in a way that may not fly today, and that’s not me being overly sensitive or whatever. Like some of the stuff they say in this movie is pretty fucked up. One could argue that’s just what people believed back in the 1860’s, but one might also argue that those people are assholes. Besides the racism though this movie is goddamn beautiful. The story is one that made me feel a lot of different emotions at a lot of different times, and it also made me pine for a different era of movies. This is back in the day when they were of a different mindset when they made movies. A lot of stuff they filmed felt like I was watching a play, or something like that. They also didn’t hesitate to throw some humor, and a really sweet romantic subplot into a very dramatic movie. The basic plot is that a girl gets kidnapped by some Comanche Indians, and her uncle has to rescue her. The journey to rescue his niece takes about five years. Another thing that doesn’t really happen anymore is forced subtlety. I read a theory that the niece was actually John Wayne’s daughter, but because of the movies code, and the political climate of the time, they were forced to be really subtle about it. Looking back on that shit- IT MAKES TOTAL SENSE! Nowadays they would have to show people exactly what the fuck was going on for people to get it. I think that subtlety is a seriously lost art form. In addition to that it’s beautifully shot, and all the acting is phenomenal. If you can get past the racism, this is a wonderful movie!

A good movie, and a good beer! What more could I ask for in life? I would give Shed IPA like 9.238 Comanches out of 10 Comanches! I really want to give The Searchers a 10 out of 10, but that racism really brings the score down. I’ll give it like 8.781 Sheds out of 10 sheds!

That’s gonna end my adventures in this addition of BEERSLAM! Until next time fuckers!






I Fuss and Quake and Cavitate. I Try to Speak and Turn to Stone.

I used to be an adventurer like you, until I took an arrow to my BEERSLAM


Funny reference circa 2011

FUN BEER FACT #27- Cenosillicaphobia is the fear of an empty beer glass. WOW!

For this edition of BEERSLAM I decided to change it up a little bit. Looking over old editions of BEERSLAM I’ve noticed that it’s skewed heavily towards craft beers, so I’m going to make a conscious effort going forward to get some dirt drinks, and feature them more in BEERSLAM. For this edition I knew for a fact what movie I wanted to watch, so that helped guide my decision at the beer store. I wanted something that was one of at least three things. 1) Is thematically linked to the name of the movie 2) Is Canadian 3) Something that a teenage girl would drink. If it’s a garbage drink then that’s just an added bonus. Well dear readers I chose the third, and it is a garbage drink!

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story…


Twisted Tea Hard Iced Tea- Half & Half

  • 5% ABV
  • Malt beer?
  • Hard iced tea

Yes Twisted Tea! I haven’t seen someone drink one of these fuckers in about 10 years, because I’m fairly certain that only teenage girls, and basic bitches drink this shit. I honestly thought that Twisted Tea was pumpkin spice flavored. Originally I was going to get some kind of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, but I literally couldn’t bring myself to bring that shit up to the counter and pay actual American dollars for it. I was a little less ashamed to but Twisted Tea. I chose the Half & Half flavor, because half & half iced tea is fucking delicious. Hopefully that will make this delicious as well! Spoiler alert- no way in Hell does it.

I should have been afraid from the start. This shit doesn’t even warrant a page on Beer Advocate! All those alcoholic hard sodas have pages, but Twisted Tea doesn’t even have one fucking mention! I know I like to make fun of those guys for being a prude and shit, but goddamn I do like to read some of their ramblings sometimes! I think they would have said some real weird stuff about Twisted Tea! They wouldn’t even think of me as a caveman for trying this shit! They probably think I’m some catty bitch!


On Wednesdays we wear pink

I’m not excited about this at all! I’m not a teenage girl! I drink good beer all the time! I’m not forced to drink this bullshit, and I don’t want to drink this! Why did I do this again? BEERSLAM is cancelled! Let’s just take a look at this goddamn drink shall we?


What this fuck? This doesn’t even remotely look like beer. This looks like a glass of iced tea. That applies to basically every aspect of this goddamn beverage. The carbonation in this is literally zero- no bubbles or anything! And this is not a glass that I poured and then let sit for an hour. Twisted Tea apparently just doesn’t have a head at all! It doesn’t even smell good like iced tea does! It smells like shit!!!! Why am I doing this? This isn’t beer! This isn’t a BEERSLAM! I might as well call this dumb……slam…….. dumbslam. Not even in capitol letters. Just stupid old lower case letters. Everything has gone wrong folks. This is the end….. my only friends….. the end…… I guess I should share my negative thoughts about the taste too.

I never thought iced tea could taste this bad. This is a literal garbage drink. I know it’s half & half so it’s supposed to be a little bitter, but it was all bitter and no sweet! It tastes like someone took some unsweetened iced tea and put a shot of vodka in it! Like exactly what I think mistakes taste like. It’s not even particularly drinkable! I couldn’t chug this shit at all! I could barely take a sip without shuddering and considering ending it all. I legit wanted to throw up over everything erry single time I took a drink of this shit. It is remarkably bad, and I’m so grateful that I’m not a teenage girl anymore, and this shit isn’t forced on me! I would wish this on my worst enemy. That’s how bad this is. It doesn’t taste good, it’s not drinkable, and you know what it’s not even very refreshing! I felt more thirsty after drinking this room temperature garbage! I drank four of them, and honestly I didn’t feel drunk, or tipsy, or even BUZZED FOR GOD’S SAKE! I got nothing out of this experience! THROWING UP EMOJI!


The reason I chose this quote-unquote “beer” is because one of my all time favorite filmmakers released a new movie, and it was finally available to purchase. So purchase it I did! Ladies and germs I give to you…..


Yoga Hosers (2016)

In case it isn’t clear (I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t clear) the director of this movie is none other than Kevin Smith. If you haven’t watched any Kevin Smith movies they deserve a watch. Some of his early films are absolutely wonderful, but they all tend to gravitate towards the same premise- people shooting the shit, and pontificating about life, and the characters station in it. They all feel really personal to Smith, and if you listen to him talk you know they all are very personal- Basically pulled from the directors own life, and experiences. A couple years ago something happened though. He wrote and directed this little indy movie called “Tusk.” I don’t want to assume, but their is no way in Hell that “Tusk” is pulled from personal experiences. Yet “Tusk” is amongst my favorite movies of all time. It’s super weird, it’s creepy, and yet it’s oddly beautiful. All of a sudden Kevin Smith movies could be about anything in the goddamn world! I don’t know why, but Kevin Smith became obsessed with Canada, and wanted to make a movie with his daughter. Boy howdy did he do those things! PLUS SOME OTHER STUFF! I would be hard pressed to explain the plot of this movie to someone. I guess the simplest way is that two soph0more girls must fight off evil while trying to impress senior boys, but that only really cracks the surface. It is super fucking weird. I was worried going into it, because all the reviewers seemed to hate it. One reviewer even said it is worse than “Plan 9 from Outer Space.” That simply is not the case my friends. I don’t think this movie is going to go down as one of the greatest films of all time, but I had fun watching it! It made me laugh- a lot! It’s weird enough that I was never bored watching it! Like they defeat the main bad guy using the power of yoga, and teamwork! The director plays a Canadian bratwurst nazi! It’s so fucking bizarre, and weird shit just keeps happening. If you’re into weird movies go ahead and give this a shot! I won’t say it’s Kevin Smith’s best work, but it is enough to keep you entertained for like an hour and a half!

Twisted tea half & half. I’ve wasted enough of my life on your BULLSHIT! You get a 1 out of 10! I don’t know how they make this shit- teenage girls can’t buy booze! Yoga Hosers isn’t a fucking train wreck, so don’t let the negative reviews stop you from checking out one of the weirdest movies I have ever seen before! I’ll give it like a 6.8 out of 10.

That is going to do it for this edition of BEERSLAM! I’ll be back soon! All that stuff about cancelling BEERSLAM earlier was all BULLSHIT! BEERSLAM can never die! If it does then the terrorists win!




What a Day! What a Lovely Day!

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the BEERSLAM!


I’m reaching here guys

FUN BEER FACT #26- in 1814 a 15 foot tall tidal wave of beer killed 8 people in the London beer flood. Barrels of porter flooded the neighborhood of St. Giles Rookery. WOW!

This edition of BEERSLAM is going to be a little different than the normal BEERSLAM edition. Both the beer and the movie are things that I have already seen slash/drink, drank, drunk before the happening of this BEERSLAM. The beer is a beer that I have tried once before for a lost edition of BEERSLAM. The film I’ve seen many times, but this is the first time I’ve seen it this particular way. I won’t say that this is a very special edition of BEERSLAM (they’re all special)…….but this is a very special edition of BEERSLAM!

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story…


Foster’s Lager

  • 5% ABV
  • Lager
  • Made in Austalia
  • Actually Made in the USA
  • Made from imported ingredients

I have tried this beer one time before, but it was for a BEERSLAM that I didn’t end up writing. So this pick is legit. I also feel like I need to expand my beer trying criteria. In the past I’ve basically been staunchly in the craft beer only camp, but a good percentage of every beer store is devoted to the major brand beers, and the imported beers. Normally I ignore these sections, mainly because I’ve tried them all before. One day as I was perusing the beer store I decided to check out the quote/unquote “shitty beer section” and I noticed that I hadn’t tried a decent amount of the beers in that section. Foster’s is one that I haven’t tried before that I have seen a lot of commercials for, and it pares really well with a movie I really wanted to see.

Beer Advocate had some feeling about this beer. A large percentage of the people on the site were just like “It’s a lager! It’s not the best, but it doesn’t taste terrible.” So that sentiment is deeply appreciated. However! We also have some prissy prima donnas on the page who are leaving reviews like this “This beer is soo bad. I never would have guessed beer could be this bad. Absolute skinny/nasty beer. Nothing good to say about it. They need to spend less money on advertising and more on r&d to make better beer.” END OF REVIEW! MIC DROPPED! That to me is being a little to harsh on our friends from down under. So you know what Foster’s- I may not be the hero you need, but I am the hero you deserve!


Pictured above- Me about to drink a Foster’s

I feel like I’m not making enough Australia jokes. Kangaroos! The Outback! Vegemite! Koalas! Shrimp on the Barbie! Crocodiles! Boomerangs! Tazmanian devils! Outback Steakhouse! Now that we got all that nonsense out of the way, let’s take a look at the beer shall we?


I think more than any other beer that I’ve tried in BEERSLAM….. This looks the most like I peed into a glass and am about to drink it. Not even well hydrated pee either. Like maybe I’ve had one to many cups of coffee, and not enough water. You know the kind of pee I’m talking about you BURGEOIS FUCKS! You’ve all been there! Don’t you dare lie to me and say you haven’t! I know that it’s impossible to tell from the photo, but this beer is one of the most carbonated beers I’ve tried for BEERSLAM. That I believe is just characteristic of this cheap ass lager type of beer that I’m drinking here. Like all the Buds and Coors and shit like this is all carbonated as fuck, so I’m genuinely not surprised. This beer is possibly one of the clearest brews that I’ve sampled during a BEERSLAM, and despite all the carbonation and shit the head disappeared rather quickly. One thing to note is that Foster’s comes in pints, and the cans are like extra wide beer cans. I think I saw someone refer to them as oil cans. THEY’RE SO MUCH FUN! In the aroma i get notes of fucking beer you idiots. Well now that we got all that out of the way, let’s talk about the taste MATES!



This beer tastes pretty decent. I know that a lot of craft beer snobs would probably crucify me for saying that, but it’s honestly not that bad! The hops and malts are balanced pretty well, and it’s not sickeningly sweet like some other lagers out there. Sometimes you don’t want a complicated beer in your life you know! Sometimes you just want to spend the night with a refreshing simple beer. I am a simple man after all! (take your time, don’t live to fast.) I would probably choose this beer over a craft beer on a hot and humid day. You’re not going to get a lot of different flavors on the old palate, but you would taste it, and with one hundred percent certainty say that it is beer. So that’s something right? It’s a lager so by it’s very inception (to be binge drink, drank, drunk by alcoholics) it is very drinkable. I think it’s ABV is a little bit higher than a Bud or some other bullshit, so it will get you drunker a little bit quicker. Honestly if I had to choose between Foster’s and like six other cheap ass lagers I would almost certainly choose the Foster’s. It’s probably the best of that type of beer. I was able to drink three pints of Foster’s… I could have drink, drank, drunk more but I only bought the three of them. It’s good shit!

I chose this beer, because I found out about a new edition of one of my top 10 movies of all time! Certainly my favorite movie of the year it came out. When I found out this was the directors preferred cut of the movie I knew I had to watch it! Ladies and gentleman I present to you!!!!


Mad Max Fury Road- Black & Chrome Edition (2016)

As I’ve already stated before I love this movie. This movie is basically perfect, and deff ends up on my all time top ten list. So if you haven’t seen it, GO SEE IT! For this I watched the new black and chrome edition…. it’s in black and white for those nerds who don’t get it. I don’t feel the need to talk about the movie itself much, but I do want to address three things that often come up about this movie. Number 1- It has no story. People who say that are fucking idiots. This movie 100% has a story. I think people are confusing a SIMPLE story with no story, an that is a key difference. A movie can have a simple story, and still be satisfying. Not only that the world they live in fills in the rest of the gaps.This movie legit makes me tear up near the end, and that’s always a good sign of a strong plot. Number 2- The characters have no motivations slash/aren’t complex. Again, these people are fucking IDIOTS! The characters all have very clear motivations, and every one of them are clearly complex human beings. This leads into Number 3- The movie is to feminist, and Max takes a back seat. These people are the biggest FUCKING IDIOTS of them all. Max’s story has been told already! In three other Mad Max movies. We know what that character is all about! And I absolutely think that this movie is feminist, but I don’t think that should be said like a four letter word. I think it’s a good thing that it’s feminist. No character in this movie is without flaws, and that’s even true of the female characters. No character in this movie is “Mary Sue” or a woman who is without reason good at everything, but every woman has their strengths and weaknesses. I think the real feminist heart of this movie lies in that the women are driving the plot forward. Normally it’s the male hero in the movie that drives the plot, and is telling the other characters where to go, but in this movie it’s the other way around.

Now that I got all that out of the way let’s talk about the black and white edition of the movie. I think the biggest strength of this edition is that I didn’t spend the whole movie thinking about how it was in black and white. I hardly ever noticed the difference, and I say that in a good way. The movie already looked gorgeous in color, and somehow the black and white really made it pop more. It’s not like you’re missing a lot of colors. The whole movie was tan and yellow and gray before. But now without color the contrasts that you get are just incredibly eye popping. I really wish that I could have seen this in a movie theater! It would have been jaw dropping. The one thing that was lacking was that you couldn’t really see the chrome that the war boys sprayed on their teeth in black and white, but I think that’s a worthy trade off for something that looked this beautiful.

Man oh man Foster’s lager! I’m glad that I’ve tried it! Next time I go fishing or camping or some shit this will be my beer of choice. Otherwise I won’t really seek it out. I will give it like 6.998 shrimps on the barbie out of 10. Fury Road whether it’s the normal edition, or the black and chrome edition will always be perfect in my eyes. 10 shrimps on the barbie out of 10.

Before I go on walkabout, I do want to extend my sincerest thank yous to all the people who have said kind words about BEERSLAM recently. It means more to me than you’ll ever know. Enough of that sappy shit! Until next time!!!