Beware the BEERSLAM
FUN BEER FACT #35- In 1740, the Admiral Veron of the British fleet decided to water down the navy’s rum, which naturally, the sailors weren’t pleased with. They nicknamed the Admiral Old Grog, after the still stiff grogram coats he used to wear. The term grog soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you are drunk on this grog, you are “groggy.” WOW!
We all know what I’m doing you fuckers. MIYAZAKI PART 3 OF FOOOOOOOOOOOOUR!
I do apologize for this being so late! Sometimes life just gets in the way you know? I was going to do it super early in the week, but then I had to go see Smackdown Live. Let me tell you dawgs. It was totes worth it.
So this was a paring that I wasn’t sure would be very good. I had a vague idea about what the movie was about, so I chose something that kind of fit what my vague idea of the movie. It turns out that I’m a genius because that shit pared 100% perfectly. LOOK. AT. ME. NOW!
Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story…
Zero Gravity Brewing- Little Wolf
- 4.7% ABV
- American Pale Ale
- Brewed in Vermont!
Beer that comes in six packs usually makes me nervous. It’s usually like some shitty lager bullshit you know? Even though I can tell by looking at the can that it’s made by a craft brewery. It still doesn’t change my perception. Nice beers come in bottles or tall cans DAMMIT! Get it together guys! Beeradvocate didn’t have a ton of reviews for this beer, so I can’t consult those nerds for some thoughts about the beer. So I had to go to the nerds at Untappd to get this scintillating review!
“That’s a nice bitter beer”
WOW! What good words! Let’s see another one!
So Untappd doesn’t really do long verbose reviews, so what are you gonna do? Let me make up what I think a typical review for this beer would be!
“MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED! God himself poured this beer directly from his teat! After every sip I prayed to the alter of hops and malts that danced seductively over my tongue. After 3 glasses I could no longer handle the orgasmic, and intense experience, so I started rubbing it all over my body! The aromas of pine cones, pine trees, and pine needles brought me back in time. To a time before man walked the Earth, and the Old Ones ruled. I looked into the soul of that eldritch horror, and started clawing my own eyes out. Man was not meant to know such things. 4 stars out of 5”
Man oh man! What a good! That is certainly a good representation of what one of those reviews would be. If you don’t agree with that then I have two words for you-
Hey do guys want to take a look at this beer? No? Are you sure you don’t? TO BAD! Let’s take a look at this beer you MONSTERS!
This bring has a beautiful amber color. I’m assuming highly that I’ll find an ancient mosquito in this shit, and I’ll be able to extract some dinosaur DNA from it. That’s the kind of amber color I’m talking about SON! Amber might be the best color for beer to be you understand. It just always looks so nice, and it doesn’t look like urine. I guess if you were super dehydrated it might look like that, but you fuckers know what I’m saying. Little Wolf is also a very carbonated beer. Carbonated in a way that reminds me more of a lager than an ale. Unlike a Budweiser, or some other swill, the carbonation doesn’t stick around longer than it should. The head wasn’t strong enough to float a bottle cap on, so I still haven’t taken that photo I was referring to. Please deal with it. The beer smells like beer, but I also detect some notes that I can’t recognize. Probably some sort of pine nut or something? My sniffer isn’t the most refined, so I have a tough time identifying smells like that. Maybe the taste will be able to illuminate some of these mysteries!
It did not illuminate any such mysteries I’ll tell you what. The thing that I tasted front and center was a strong malt back bone. It feels rather thick in the mouth when you take a sip, but shortly after all the maltiness dissipates I got a nice little hop kick in the back. Despite what the tricksy aromas were trying to pull on me I don’t think this beer tasted like pine cones. I would actually have a hard time placing what this beer tasted like. I think the closest way to describing it would be nuts of some sort. I guess? It’s a hard flavor profile to nail down for sure. My major complaint about the beer is how thirsty I felt after drinking it. A beer with a low alcohol content like this one should be refreshing. PBR isn’t a great tasting beer, but if it’s super hot out it will hit the spot I’ll tell you what! This beer made me feel very thirsty! I had to drink so much water the entire time I was drinking it, and that shit cut into my goddamn buzz! I was able to drink 5 of them before I gave up in disgust. If you’re looking for a beer to get schwasted with this is not it, but if you’re looking for a kind of nice beer to have with dinner give this a shot!\
Now to reveal my accidentally GREAT paring! I honestly had no idea how well this beer pared with this movie! BOW BEFORE MY GENIUS!
Princess Mononoke (1997)
This move. I’m not entirely sure where to start. Of all the Miyazake films I’ve watched so far this one left me feeling the most sad at the end of it. It’s hard to say why, because in theory the movie has a happy ending, but by the end everything has changed- possibly for the worse! A lot of the movie has to do with like the magic, and mysticism of the world ending. That shit always breaks my heart. Another thing is that no one character would really be considered the antagonist. Every single character that could be considered the antagonist has a VERY clear reason for their actions. Maybe this is another Miyazaki movie that really tries to show the true cost of war and shit, and it did in a way that really kind of put me in a funk. THIS MOVIE ISN’T FOR KIDS! Like people were getting their heads chopped off and shit! I would never show this shit to a kid!
One of the reviews on the front of the DVD case called this the Star Wars of animated movies, and I think that is a very apropos description. You can certainly see the skeleton of the heroes journey permeating through the whole movie. I also caught a few other major comparisons. The most prominent being “Dances With Wolves” slash/ “Avatar.” I’m sure others exist, but again, trying to identify them when I’m buzzed is hard as shit.
I’m trying really hard to talk about this movie coherently, but I’m failing ATM. It really does feel like I’m shitting on this movie a lot, and that certainly isn’t fair. I think I should have watched this one first. It’s just so much darker than the other ones! Even though I had a legit good time watching the movie I just didn’t feel as magical at the end of it! I’m just going to end this before I dig my grave even deeper.
I would have a hard time recommending Little Wolf to people. It’s not bad- I just think that a lot of beers are a lot more delicious and what not. Honestly I would give this beer like a 7. Princess Mononoke though is legit a good movie. Just keep in mind that it is VEEEEEEERRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY different than any other Miyazaki movie. I would give it like 8.78 wolves out of 10 wolves.
This BEERSLAM is awful. I’m just goin to end it. Stay tiuned for the finale of my Miyazaki adventure! Until next time…..
Bead Dy Bawn!